I have a problem. I’ve suddenly realized I may not necessarily like every person on my Facebook friends list. (Oh, hey–don’t get upset. Look at your page, with your 503 friends. You can’t honestly tell me you know and like each and everyone one of those people. Your Aunt Fanny? Seriously? She 180. What possibly could the two of you have in common?) Truly, I appreciate each and every friend request I’ve received over the last few years, but the ramifications of having 100+ opinions staring you in the face every single day…well, it’s exhausting.
So, what do people typically do when they’ve realized they have more friends than they can handle? They start “Face-dumping.” (I can hear a few gasps–perhaps the term “Face-dump” conjures something dark and seedy? If so, I’d like to see some more status updates from you.) The person pulls up their friends list and starts evaluating their connection to each person. It almost makes you want to send a 20 question quiz to each “friend.” (“I’m stuck at a gas station in Newark, New Jersey. I need money. Do you, A.) wire me the cash, B.) hop in the car and drive 12 hours to pick me up, or C.) ignore my plea for help and watch an old rerun of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.“) Sending a multiple choice test seems a bit cold, but how different is it from posting on your wall, “I’m getting rid of some of my friends–post here if you want to stay connected?” (No joke, I have friends who’ve done this.) My question is, what if I had the flu and I didn’t have the strength to log on…you know, because Death was breathing down my neck? Eh, who am I kidding, Facebook is the preferred form of entertainment for the infirmed. I’m sure someone, somewhere, has posted a check-in at Death’s door.
If I have to be completely honest, though, I like knowing people. I just don’t like knowing every single thing they’re doing at this moment. While I appreciate the sneak peak at your daily routine (you’re taking your dog to get neutered? You don’t say…), there are some things you can keep to yourself. You wouldn’t want to ruin the mystique. (I suspect some of my friends are opining from the toilet. Feel free to read into that however you’d like.)
And the check-ins! Oh, the check-ins, the check-ins, the check-ins. The best thing about check-ins is knowing the places to avoid. Cindylou just checked in at Chik-fil-a? Good. I’m headed to Zaxby’s. Oh wait–Ethel just checked in there. I don’t want to see that bitch, or her snot-nosed kids, so I guess I’ll go to Waffle House. NO ONE will be there.
The best check-ins are the ones from out of town. People love to check in at the beach–which feels braggy, to me. Especially when the check in precedes twenty photos of Auntie Sandy having fun–while giving the ol’ one finger salute. Sure, I’ve shared photos of vacation fun–in real time. It eliminates the need of having to talk about your vacation when you get back. Whenever you get those, “how was your vacation” questions, just direct them to the photo of you bleeding profusely from a shark bite. Status update: “Shark took my leg. Otherwise, we’re having a great time in the Keys. Wish you were here.”
Even worse than the check-ins, though, are the heart-felt, “My Life is Perfect” status updates. Yes–that’s what I want to read right after I wrestle one of my kids into the shower because she thought it was a great idea to cover herself from head to toe in permenant marker. Well, your inspiring post lifted my spirits! I’ve decided not to drown the kid, after all.
And speaking of kids, I have three of them. And, sometimes I take pictures of them. I can safely say, though, I have looked at more photos of your one child than all three of mine combined. And I’m counting pictures from all ten years of motherhood. Since you think it’s a good idea to photograph every single normal and not at all interesting thing your child does, I’m going to start posting ten pictures a day of my cat sleeping. Because sometimes he curls his arms like he’s hugging himself. And, sometimes he sleeps with his legs sprawled out behind him. And sometimes he sleeps in a basket, and sometimes curled up in front of the fireplace.
But all griping aside, 113 friends really isn’t a lot. I’m clearly not as popular as some of my friends (and yet, more popular than others…). Still, having that many voices in my head can NOT be a good thing.
So, here I am still glancing down at my friends list, trying to figure out who to keep and who to dump. I can’t bring myself to discard even the most annoying people in my news feed. (I know the truth hurts, but some of you bug me.) Deep down, I just don’t have it in me to make such a decision. Instead, I think it might be easier to shut the computer off for a while. Go take a walk, or something. Check-in at Target, or Trader Joes, or maybe McDonalds.
(Or maybe write a blog post just snotty enough to piss off the majority of my friends who, in turn, decide they’ve had enough of me. Yeah, I think I’ll do that. In other news, look for my next post on rejection, and how not to take it personally when 113 people suddenly “unfriend” you.)