It was a chilly afternoon in my small corner of Georgia. A storm had passed through (Tropical Storm Lee–what a joke), and the air was damp and crisp, as if Autumn had come early. It was here, in his home, that I cozied up with one who many have come to know as the little dog that could…yap a lot. Radar, graciously accepting my invitation for an interview, trotted into the living room like he owned it. He looked relaxed in his favorite Harley Davidson spike-studded leather collar. He hopped into my lap and I instantly felt at ease. That’s what he does–puts people at ease. After accepting a treat, he decided to open up on his past, his leather fetish, and life with the Donaghy family.
Christina: So, Radar…You’ve become quite the attention-getter in the Donaghy household. To what do you attribute this success?
Radar: [Sniffs my face] Eh, I’m a real people-person–er, I mean “dog.” I likes to hang out. I play. Sometimes I entertain the kids with a bit of tail chasing. I mean, c’mon! Who doesn’t love a good tail-chasin’?
C: Yes. The tail chasing. I hear that’s a sign of internal distress. Is there something…bothering you?
R: [There’s a long uncomfortable silence] My mother. I never got to know her. Every boy needs his ma, you know? I like to imagine she was a grand Saint Bernard–
C: —but you’re a Miniature Pinscher–
R: That’s unconfirmed. Obviously, someone was a Min Pin in my family–but that doesn’t define me. I have the heart of a Saint Bernard…somewhere deep down, I think.
C: Maybe…Still, you look very much like a Miniature Pinscher…I actually don’t see any Saint Bernard in you at all..
R: [shrugs] Well, you’re entitled to your opinion, I guess.
C: How about these rumors I’ve been hearing.
R: What rumors? D’you mean the collar thing?
C: Well…you’re wearing a leather studded Harley Davidson collar, and yet you don’t ride…
R: Completely ridiculous. I’m neutered. Frankly, I’m embarrassed for you for bringing it up.
C: My apologies. You know, “inquiring minds want to know.”
R: ‘S okay. I get it all the time. I’m a small dog. It’s hard to be taken seriously. Now, if I were a bull dog with the same collar, no one would even think to ask that question.
C: How about your…health. Some of your critics have been saying domestic life has made you “soft.” That you’ve gotten pudgy in the two months living with the Donaghys.
R: What can I say? Life was bad before being adopted, and now it’s good. I get two full meals a day, plus treats for doing stupid-easy things like rolling over and sitting. (C’mon! Sitting? Fuggidabadit! I do that all the time!) Yeah, I’ve put on a few pounds…doesn’t everybody? You know, when they find “the one?”
R: Besides, I gets my exercise. These kids–they don’t leave me alone. I’m always jumping for my toy, or chasing that fat ass–oops, can I say “ass?”
C: It’s okay.
R: Oh, good. Where was I–oh, yeah–I like to chase that fat-assed cat.
C: Speaking of cats, only one of the two cats in the house have warmed up to you. You and Loki seem to be getting along fine, but I’m sensing a lot of friction between you and Lily.
R: Look, I ain’t done nothing to that stupid cat. Every chance I get, I try to be polite and say “hello,” and what does she do? Hisses in my face. The nerve! Dames. You can’t live with them…period.
C: And, Loki?
R: Eh, he’s alright. We’ve come to an understanding, him and I. If he’s walking around, he’s gonna get chased! It’s as simple as that. He knows what we are. I’m a dog, and he’s a mangy cat. I chase him, he bats at my ears–it’s all good.
C: Is there anything you have in the works we should know about?
R: Well, there has been this place in the back yard I’ve been sniffin’ at. Is it squirrel? Deer? Rabbit? I dunno. It just smells interesting, and I’m going to get to the bottom of it.
C: One last thing. Who let the dogs out?
C: Well, it’s certainly been a pleasure chatting with you! Thank you for agreeing to this interview!
R: Well, thank’s for having me!