The Exclusive Interview: On Our Radar

It was a chilly afternoon in my small corner of Georgia.  A storm had passed through (Tropical Storm Lee–what a joke), and the air was damp and crisp, as if Autumn had come early.  It was here, in his home, that I cozied up with one who many have come to know as the little dog that could…yap a lot.  Radar, graciously accepting my invitation for an interview, trotted into the living room like he owned it.  He looked relaxed in his favorite Harley Davidson spike-studded leather collar.  He hopped into my lap and I instantly felt at ease.  That’s what he does–puts people at ease.  After accepting a treat, he decided to open up on his past, his leather fetish, and life with the Donaghy family.

Christina:  So, Radar…You’ve become quite the attention-getter in the Donaghy household.  To what do you attribute this success? 

Radar:  [Sniffs my face] Eh, I’m a real people-person–er, I mean “dog.”    I likes to hang out.  I play.  Sometimes I entertain the kids with a bit of tail chasing.  I mean, c’mon!  Who doesn’t love a good tail-chasin’?

C: Yes.  The tail chasing.  I hear that’s a sign of internal distress.  Is there something…bothering you?

"Ugh, do we have to talk about that?"

R:  [There’s a long uncomfortable silence]  My mother.  I never got to know her.  Every boy needs his ma, you know? I like to imagine she was a grand Saint Bernard–

C:  —but you’re a Miniature Pinscher–

R:  That’s unconfirmed. Obviously, someone was a Min Pin in my family–but that doesn’t define me.  I have the heart of a Saint Bernard…somewhere deep down, I think.

C:  Maybe…Still, you look very much like a Miniature Pinscher…I actually don’t see any Saint Bernard in you at all..

R: [shrugs] Well, you’re entitled to your opinion, I guess.

C: How about these rumors I’ve been hearing. 

R:  What rumors?  D’you mean the collar thing?

C:  Well…you’re wearing a leather studded Harley Davidson collar, and yet you don’t ride…

R:  Completely ridiculous.  I’m neutered.  Frankly, I’m embarrassed for you for bringing it up.

C:  My apologies.  You know, “inquiring minds want to know.” 

R:  ‘S okay.  I get it all the time.  I’m a small dog.  It’s hard to be taken seriously.  Now, if I were a bull dog with the same collar, no one would even think to ask that question.

C:  How about your…health.  Some of your critics have been saying domestic life has made you “soft.”  That you’ve gotten pudgy in the two months living with the Donaghys.

R:  What can I say?  Life was bad before being adopted, and now it’s good.  I get two full meals a day, plus treats for doing stupid-easy things like rolling over and sitting.  (C’mon! Sitting?  Fuggidabadit! I do that all the time!)  Yeah, I’ve put on a few pounds…doesn’t everybody?  You know, when they find “the one?”

C:  Perhaps…

R:  Besides, I gets my exercise.  These kids–they don’t leave me alone.  I’m always jumping for my toy, or chasing that fat ass–oops, can I say “ass?”

C: It’s okay.

R: Oh, good.  Where was I–oh, yeah–I like to chase that fat-assed cat.

C: Speaking of cats, only one of the two cats in the house have warmed up to you.  You and Loki seem to be getting along fine, but I’m sensing a lot of friction between you and Lily.

R: Look, I ain’t done nothing to that stupid cat.  Every chance I get, I try to be polite and say “hello,” and what does she do?  Hisses in my face.  The nerve! Dames.  You can’t live with them…period.

C: And, Loki?

R:  Eh, he’s alright.  We’ve come to an understanding, him and I.  If he’s walking around, he’s gonna get chased!  It’s as simple as that.  He knows what we are.  I’m a dog, and he’s a mangy cat.  I chase him, he bats at my ears–it’s all good.

C: Is there anything you have in the works we should know about?

R: Well, there has been this place in the back yard I’ve been sniffin’ at.  Is it squirrel?  Deer?  Rabbit?  I dunno.  It just smells interesting, and I’m going to get to the bottom of it.

C:  One last thing.  Who let the dogs out?

R:  [silence]

C:  Well, it’s certainly been a pleasure chatting with you!  Thank you for agreeing to this interview!

R:  Well, thank’s for having me!

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