Don’t laugh, but I’m sad because of a movie. I watched “The Curious Case of Benjamen Button” last night. It’s not so much the movie, but the thought the movie led to. Aging. You never think of aging when you are young. The aging think about aging. I guess the reason the movie made me sad, though, is not just because it made me think about my own entropy, but because I’ve been feeling old for as long as I’ve been an adult. I’m only thirty-one, but I get out of the bed each morning carefully, testing the waters as put one foot on the ground. Years (and years) of Rheumatoid Arthritis and, now, Osteoarthritis, have crippled some of my joints–damage that can not be reversed.
A few years back I started doing yoga. For a few months straight, I stretched my body out every Saturday morning for an hour and a half. As good as I felt (and I did feel amazing), I could never complete the simplest of poses because of a frozen knee. I couldn’t do “Child’s Pose” or “Hero.” I always felt so angry at my body because of it’s limitations. Back then I really was young, and I should’ve been able to do cartwheels! Of course, there is only one direction to go, and I would give anything for that slightly broken body today.
I’m not interested in a pity party, though. It’s not fair, yes. It’s not fair I have to depend on a biological medicine to keep my body from attacking itself. It’s not fair that four surgeries on one knee have left limited range of motion on it. It’s not fair that most attempts at exercise result in swollen joints. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.
My life is a good one. I have a great family, three kids, and a supportive, hard-working husband. I live in a nice house, and never have to worry where my next meal is coming from. I have many opportunities that others wish they had. I know my life is blessed.
I feel old. And I’m getting old. While you learn so much about yourself as you get older, there is one simple truth you can’t avoid. Everyone ages. You will never, ever, look like you did at 20. No amount of Botox or plastic surgery can turn back the clock. It can make you look smoother, tighter, but not your old self. Eating right. Exercising. These make you look less old, too, but they do not give you back the softness of your cheeks, or the rosiness of your lips. Your skin, duller. Your hair, thinner. You eyes, smaller, hidden by the gentle sloping of your lids. Each morning, someone new starts you in the face. Familar, but different.
Darkness and gloom–I’m sorry for that. Like I said, I’m a little sad today. Feeling my own mortality. Yes, I have (hopefully) many, many more years left in me, but life has already forced me to live a little of the future.
That’s why the movie made me sad. It made me reflect on those things I’ve lost, and the things I’ve never had.